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The Bottomless Pit
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The Bottomless Pit

Thursday, October 25th, 2007 :: 3:47 am

And thus concludes my contribution to the extremely well-explored canon of bottomless pit-related comedy.

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Alright, so everyone: wow. You are a very enthusiastic group when it comes to inventing sandwiches. I received a flood of Ham Smash ‘Em Up recipes throughout the past week–many more than I ever would have dreamed of, if I were to ever dream of receiving emails about an imaginary sandwich–and all of Team Buttersafe enjoyed reading them immensely. They covered the entire spectrum, from “dang, I would totally put that in my mouth,” to “I’m not sure I understand, but I think I like it,” with most falling somewhere delightfully in between.

Unfortunately, due to the sheer number of recipes received as well as the sheer crappiness of formatting all of them in the web app that I’m using to do this update, I’ve only been able to include a small sampling of Ham Smash ‘Em Up recipes here. I apologize to all of you whose recipes I can’t post, but rest assured that you have brought honor to the name Ham Smash ‘Em Up, and your submissions were very much appreciated and enjoyed (I’ll email you all individually as soon as I can catch back up).


So without further ado, here are the recipes!

  • Michael Z.’s creativity and attention to detail (I’m a big fan of the bacon and toothpick flag) resulted in a sandwich both as tasty and intense as one would hope for with a sandwich named Ham Smash ‘Em Up. It is also notable as being one of the recipes I received that is most likely to kill you, as it poses a double threat to your arteries as well as to the structural integrity of your face.
  • Nathan Rosen of MicroHorror submitted a recipe for a Ham Smash ‘Em Up that is recursive and infinitely scalable. People, the world needs more sandwiches like this.
  • Bill H. and Juliet A. both managed to use knowledge (a resource of which I am in short supply) to come up with recipes which utilize alternate meanings of the word ‘smash’. Kudos!
  • Lemon, on the other hand, makes a fairly straight-forward sandwich, but augments it with advanced smashing techniques.
  • Adam F.’s recipe is half sandwich, half ritual. It involves drinking milk and also pretending that you are Wolverine. Seeing as I ordinarily spend roughly 23 hours of the day doing at least one of these two things but usually both simultaneously, I have no objections.
  • The guys of DQN at the infamous 4-ch.net worked together on a recipe (the original thread can be found here). As the result of their unique collaborative style, this recipe illustrates why teamwork, much like Mothra, is a force both terrible and awesome.
  • Nathan H. proposed that not only should one ride a pig, as was suggested last week, but that one should do battle from atop said mount using ham-based weaponry. What could possibly go wrong?
  • And finally, Bjorn N.’s recipe is a simple couplet which is as hilarious as it is noncommittal.

So, once again, thank you everyone. If I had any worldly possessions of any value, I would give each and every one of you some kind of prize. It should be a comfort to everyone out there to know that, should you ever come up with a name for a sandwich, there are many a brave soul who will lend you their strength and help you to transform that name–nay, that dream–into a wondrous, greasy, heart-attack inducing reality.

You all are awesome.

-Alex